Thursday, August 20, 2015

Beyond the Horrible, the Reality of Sexual Assault in Youth Detention

By |

I was 18 years old when I was arrested and sent to jail. But the real hell of my life to come started on my 19th birthday, when the state shipped me off to a place called Alto, a notorious youth prison in north Georgia.There was much to fear in this place, but nothing quite frightening as much as the likelihood of sexual assault.

I knew from talking to older guys in jail, before I was sent off to Alto, that rapes were common, but nothing they told me prepared me for the reality of what I witnessed. The place (it has since been shuttered) had been built in the 1930s as a hospital. Fifty years later, it was a dilapidated house of horrors. You see, it wasn’t designed to be a prison, so there were countless places where terrible and dangerous things could go on easily out of sight of any guard lounging in the comfort of a control booth or guard tower. In this environment we were expected to take care of and fend for ourselves, and some men couldn’t.

It was all a nightmare, but one incident especially continues to haunt me. A young man had recently been moved into our dorm. He was a small guy with a timid attitude. Immediately several predators began to test him. They would start by disrespecting him in some way, then, when he did not respond, they would increase the pressure. This went on a few days, until they threatened kill him if he didn’t give in to their demands.

If he did what they wanted, they promised him, they would protect him from the other rapists. In this way they “convinced” him, and he surrendered in order to save himself. So they set out to have their way. They hung a towel so that the guards couldn’t see into the area and ordered the boy to perform oral sex on them, one after another.

A line formed. Those that wanted the “service” waited their turn, while those that opposed what was happening did nothing. After an hour or so it was over. He walked into the bathroom and stood looking into the mirror. I saw him as he pulled out a blade removed from a safety razor and began to slash at his throat. He never stopped staring at his reflection. The guards ran in and took him away, never to be seen by us again

Sexual assaults happened at every prison I lived in over my nearly 25 years of incarceration. They were not always so blatant or extreme, but they were common. Victims seldom reported the incidents. If they did they risked being further endangered, not just by their attackers, but by staff as well. Often when incidents were reported the authorities did little to stop it. Sometimes the staff did not believe the allegation, or thought that the accuser had brought the attack on themselves somehow. Sometimes the staff simply resented the hassle of doing the paperwork, and they especially did not like accusations that they hadn’t done their jobs.

Also, the attackers were seldom punished to the full extent of the law. Institutions often form closed loops that resist outside evaluation, so the crimes were not always reported to the district attorneys. Even when they were, DAs were sometimes reluctant to prosecute. Crimes that occur in prison are less likely to be prosecuted, including rape. This means that attackers and victims often remain in close proximity.

Juvenile prisons do not seem to be any better, and may be even worse than adult prisons. I knew many men who had been in youth facilities, some within the past few years, and the horror stories they told about their days in youth detention centers reminded me of my own days as a teenager in prison. I was reminded of this while doing some research recently. Part of my reading included the 2010 Department of Justice National Survey of Youth in Custody. Much of it seemed familiar, though there were a few surprises as well.

This will be familiar reading to some people who know this issue and have worked to try to eliminate it. Me, well I’m still being educated about how academics and bureaucrats see from the outside a life I lived on the inside.

The report was compiled by the Bureau of Justice Statistics in compliance with the Prison Rape Elimination Act. However, the DOJ review panel on prison rape downplayed the results, saying that it “indicated that sexual assault in juvenile facilities was relatively rare and facility staff, for the most part, did not victimize juvenile offenders.”

This was their position, despite the fact that of the 26,550 youths involved in the survey, about 10 percent, reported being victimized by staff. Another 2.6 percent reported being assaulted by other inmates. Of the alleged assaults by staff 95 percent were female, with 92 percent of the victims being male. These events are often minimized by administrators and categorized as consensual relationships. Even though sexual relations between staff and juvenile inmates is illegal across the United States, the male inmates who have sex with female staff are not seen as victims.

This position is ridiculous. First, as juveniles, many of these victims are outside of the legal range for having consensual sex with adults. Being incarcerated does not remove them from the moral sphere, nor does it mean that they deserve less consideration from society. Second, the power dynamics of a prisoner and his or her keepers are hugely skewed. In terms of power, the prisoner is a slave and the staff member, the master. It is not possible that a relationship can happen between a prisoner and a staff member without coercion, either implicit or explicit. The very power that a staff member holds is a huge threat. With little effort the employee can cause the child tremendous problems.

Even if the child wants the relationship, we as a society do not condone it. In the world outside of prisons these relationships are illegal. They are unacceptable to say the least in a facility where the inmate is supposed to be protected and given an opportunity to be rehabilitated. Being the victim in a one-sided relationship meets neither of these goals.

Whatever form sexual assaults take in juvenile facilities, they should not be tolerated or downplayed. More oversight needs to be in place that is not a part of the facility itself. More staff screenings need to occur at opposite-gender facilities. Those who do commit these crimes need to be punished.
The laws are already in place. They only need to be enforced with the same vigilance that sent these kids to prison.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

State Department: Sexual Abuse of Boys on the Rise in Afghanistan

By Melanie Hunter | March 19, 2014 | 1:57 PM EDT

 ( – The State Department in its 2013 human rights report on Afghanistan said the sexual abuse of boys, or bacha baazi, is on the rise in the region, with the practice becoming common in Kabul.
“The practice of ‘bacha baazi’ (dancing boys) – which involved powerful or wealthy local figures and businessmen sexually abusing young boys who were trained to dance in female clothes – was on the rise,” the State Department said in its human rights report.
The report noted an increase in rapes during the year, with most victims being children. In fact, sexual abuse of children reached an all-time high, according to the Afghanistan Independent Human Rights Commission (AIHRC).
“Although pornography is a crime, child pornography is not specifically prohibited by law. Exploiting a child for sexual purposes, as was done with bacha baazi, also was widespread but not specified as a crime under the law,” the State Department noted in its report.
“Although the practice was believed to be more widespread in conservative rural areas, at least one media report alleged that it had become common in Kabul. Media reports also alleged that local authorities, including the police, were involved in the practice, but the government took few steps to discourage the abuse of boys or to prosecute or punish those involved,” the human rights report said.
An Oct. 28, 2013 article by Foreign Policy magazine said bacha baazi, or sexual abuse of boys, “has grown more rampant since 2001” when the Taliban was ousted.
“The Taliban had a deep aversion towards bacha bazi, outlawing the practice when they instituted strict nationwide sharia law,” the article said, adding that “one of the original provocations for the Taliban’s rise to power in the early 1990s was their outrage over pedophilia.”
“Once they came to power, bacha bazi became taboo, and the men who still engaged in the practice did so in secret,” FP reported. “When the former mujaheddin commanders ascended to power in 2001 after the Taliban’s ouster, they brought with them a rekindled culture of bacha bazi. Today, many of these empowered warlords serve in important positions, as governors, line ministers, police chiefs, and military commanders.”
The article referred to a 2009 Human Terrain Team report titled, “Pashtun Sexuality,” which said bacha bazi is not considered “un-Islamic or homosexual at all” according to Pashtun social norms.
The report was done by the U.S. Army and is comprised of personal field notes dated May 15, 2009 by Human Terrain Team AF-6, which was assigned to the 2nd Marine Expeditionary Battalion and co-located with British forces in Lashkar Gah. It was requested to provide insight into Pashtun cultural traditions regarding male sexuality.
‘Women are for children, boys are for pleasure’
The 2009 Human Terrain Team report noted that “one of the country’s favorite sayings is ‘women are for children, boys are for pleasure.’”
Homosexuality is strictly prohibited in Islam. “To identify as such is to admit an enormous sin in Islam – one punishable by death under the Taliban and one that would result in severe tribal and familial ostracization today,” the report said.
However, “even men who practice homosexuality exclusively are not labeled by themselves or their counterparts as homosexual.” Therefore, “it appears to be the label, not the action or the preference, that poses the greatest problem.”
Homosexuality is defined – “narrowly and specifically” – as the love of another man, the HTT report said.
“Loving a man would therefore be unacceptable and a major sin within this cultural interpretation of Islam, but using another man for sexual gratification would be regarded as a foible – undesirable but far preferable to sex with an ineligible woman … which would likely result in issues of revenge and honor killings,” the Army’s report added.
The report noted that in Pashtun society, access to women is “extremely limited.”
“Heterosexual relationships are only allowable within the bounds of marriage, and Pashtun honor demands that a man be able to demonstrate his ability to support a wife and family, as well as produce abundant wedding-gifts for the bride and her parents, before he is allowed to marry,” it said.
“Therefore, given the economic situation of most young Pashtun men and the current state of employment and agriculture within the Pashtun regions of Afghanistan, marriage becomes a nearly unattainable possibility for many,” it added.
The report noted a cyclical effect when young boys are sexually abused.
Many of them spend their “formative years” in Taliban madrasas (Islamic religious school), where they miss out on a mother’s influence. “Women are foreign, and categorized by religious teachers as, at best, unclean or undesirable,” the HTT report said.
“It is then probable that the male companionship that a boy has known takes a sinister turn, in the form of the expression of pedophilia from the men that surround him. Such abuse would most likely result in a sense of outrage or anger, but anger that can not possibly be directed at the only source of companionship and emotional support a boy knows, and on which he remains dependent,” it said.
“This anger may very well be then directed at the foreign object – women – resulting in the misogyny typical of Pashtin Islamism. Men and boys therefore remain the object of affection and security for these boys as they grow into men themselves, and the cycle is repeated,” the unclassified report said.
It concluded that such a cycle affects both males and females and “leads to violence against women and women’s suppression in Pashtun culture.”
“If women are no longer the source of companionship or sexual desire, they become increasingly and threateningly foreign,” adding to the cycle of “male isolation from women.” asked the State Department to confirm and explain the correlation between the practice of bacha baazi and the Taliban while the Taliban was in power in Afghanistan.
The State Department responded, saying, “As noted in the report, Afghanistan has made important human rights achievements in the past 12 years, but more work remains to be done to protect and expand on the gains made since 2001. The overall human rights satiation in Afghanistan remained poor.
“The Taliban and other insurgents killed record numbers of civilians and pursued targeted killings of persons affiliated with the government. Widespread disregard for the rule of law and official impunity for those who committed human rights abuses were serious problems, and the government did not prosecute abuses by officials consistently and effectively,” it added.
“The United States continues to provide diplomatic and programmatic support to Afghanistan, including to civil society and human rights actors, as Afghanistan seeks to build a stable, prosperous, and democratic future. Our support includes building civil society’s capacity to defend against a rollback of critical human rights gains,” the State Department concluded.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Crystal Methamphetamine: The Other Sexual Addiction

Cross and Co-Occurring Addictions

Individuals who are cross-addicted are people who switch from one addiction to another—for instance, Suzanne stops drinking alcohol, then gains 40 pounds in three months, replacing booze with compulsive eating. People with co-occurring addictions struggle with multiple addictions at the same time—for instance, Eric smokes pot morning, noon, and night, and also plays video games for eight to ten hours each day.

Cross and co-occurring disorders are especially common with sex addicts. In one survey of male sex addicts, 87 percent of respondents reported that they regularly abused either addictive substances or other addictive behaviors. Considerable anecdotal evidence suggests that for a majority of sex addicts with a co-occurring addiction the secondary drug of choice is crystal methamphetamine. Sex addicts also use cocaine, crack cocaine, and almost any other stimulant—but crystal meth is usually cheaper and more readily available.

Consider Brad, a married, 38-year-old lawyer:
I grew up in a painful, empty, abusive middle-class home where work was a much bigger priority than home for my smart, funny, angry, alcoholic father. Whenever my brothers or I got in trouble, Dad would whip off his belt before asking questions, especially when he was drinking. And he drank a lot.
I learned early on how to look good, how to lie and manipulate my way out of trouble, and most of all how to stay under the radar. I left home as soon as I could and got into a good college, followed by law school. Law school is when I first tried meth, initially to help me stay awake and study. It worked, too, because I graduated Cum Laude. Immediately after law school I married Grace and took a job with a well-regarded firm.
What Grace and my new firm didn’t know (because no one did) was that I was living a double life. In early adolescence I would sneak booze from my Dad’s stash, and I spent most evenings alone in my room getting buzzed while perusing and masturbating to Playboy. This became a pattern I used to relax and sleep, and it continued into adult life.
By my twenties, Internet porn and “dating” websites replaced magazines and videos, and crystal meth became my substance of choice. By the time I made junior partner at 29 (the youngest ever at my firm) I had established an escalating pattern of telling Grace that I was “going out of town for work,” which really meant holing up in some hotel with a big baggie of meth, getting high, and masturbating to porn until the drugs ran out. Eventually I replaced the porn with prostitutes—especially those women willing to come to my room meth in hand.
Our son Jamie was about three years old when a routine medical exam revealed that Grace had a long-standing, undiscovered STD. That’s how she found out about my cheating. I convinced everyone around me that the problem was drugs (related to the past), that the sex only happened when I was high (mostly true), and didn’t happen very often (a total lie).
To appease Grace I entered a high-end drug and alcohol treatment center. In six weeks of intensive (and expensive) treatment no one ever asked about my lifelong pairing of substances and sexual acting out. And I never volunteered that information, either. I left there chemically sober, but without a clue about handling all the sexual problems and related secrets that I continued to keep.
I didn’t realize that I was a drug and sex addict until one of my inevitable meth relapses (all related to sex) landed me (along with my professional license) in jail for doing drugs with prostitutes. It was only when facing the loss of my marriage and career that I became willing to address both of my addictions.

What is Crystal Meth?

Crystal meth (crystallized methamphetamine) is a synthetic version of adrenaline, a naturally occurring hormone the body produces in small amounts when reacting to immediate stress. Adrenaline increases energy and alertness when we need a short burst to escape immediate danger.
The main difference between crystal meth and adrenaline is adrenaline clears out of our systems quickly, whereas methamphetamine sticks around for six to eight hours. Known on the street as meth, crystal, crank, tweak, speed, ice, ice cream, Tina, tweedy, etc., methamphetamine is sold legally (with a prescription) in tablet form as Desoxyn—FDA approved for the treatment of ADHD and obesity.

More often, though, it’s cooked in makeshift labs and sold illegally as a powder or rock. The powder form can be snorted, smoked, eaten, or dissolved and injected; the rock form is usually smoked. Meth binges are known as “tweaking.” When tweaked, addicts stay awake for days or even weeks at a time. Sometimes episodes don’t end until the user is arrested or hospitalized for psychotic behavior, or the user’s body is no longer able to function and “crashes” of its own accord.

Often called “the sex drug,” meth is the preferred “party favor” for anonymous Internet and smart-phone hookups. Like all stimulants, meth use evokes profound feelings of euphoria, intensity, and power in the user, along with the drive to obsessively do whatever activity that person wishes to engage in, including having sex.

In fact, users say the drug allows them to be sexual for an entire day with or without orgasm—even two or three days—without sleeping, eating, or coming down, especially when Viagra or Cialis is along for the ride.

One recovering meth and sex addict in treatment at the Sexual Recovery Institute in Los Angeles stated, “When I do crystal meth, the sex just goes on forever.”
Another noted, “There’s no love, no caring, no emotion involved. I don’t care who they are, or even what their names are. I just want sex, sex and more sex.”

Crack May Be Whack, but Meth…

Crystal meth is undoubtedly among the most troublesome illicit drugs currently en vogue, and for sex addicts the dangers extend beyond the usual problems associated with crystal meth abuse. First and foremost, when a user is intoxicated and dis-inhibited by a stimulant as powerful as meth, safe sex practices are out the window—especially for individuals accustomed to having multiple anonymous partners for hours at a time.

Because of this, the risk of contracting or transmitting HIV, hepatitis, and other STDs increases significantly. Moreover, meth use combined with sex often leads to abuse of other drugs—for instance, to counteract “crystal dick” (meth induced impotence) many men take Viagra, Cialis, or another erectile dysfunction treatment. And meth users of both genders often rely on sleeping pills, nighttime cold medicines, pot, and other “downers” to come off their high and get some sleep because meth can keep users awake for days—long after the enjoyable effects have worn off.

Furthermore, ingesting meth (or any other stimulant) causes the user’s brain to release large amounts of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with feelings of pleasure. Over time, repeated meth use (especially when that use is bolstered by the “natural” high of sex) both depletes the body’s stores of dopamine and destroys the wiring of dopamine receptors.

Eventually meth addicts are unable to experience any simple human pleasure without being high—a condition known as anhedonia. Not surprisingly, sex-meth addicts often report having a very difficult time enjoying healthy intimacy and healthy sexual activity once sober. For these individuals it can take a year or more for the brain’s dopamine levels to normalize. Occasionally, this sexual/intimacy-related anhedonia can be semi-permanent.

And of course sex-meth addicts also experience the usual problems associated directly with meth addiction. Anhedonia, described above, results in an ever deepening cycle of use and depression, and an increasing unwillingness to participate in life. Relationships disintegrate, jobs are lost. Children of crashing meth addicts are left to fend for themselves for days on end. When tweaking, meth addicts generally exhibit poor judgment and engage in dangerous, hyperactive behavior. Many commit petty or violent crimes.

Long-time users often develop symptoms of psychosis including paranoia, aggression, hallucinations and delusions. Meth addicts may experience serious physical health problems such as anorexia, convulsions, stroke, and cardiac collapse, any of which can be fatal. They may also develop “meth mouth,” a condition of severe tooth decay and tooth loss caused by the constant dry mouth and teeth grinding associated with stimulant drug use.

Meth dries out the skin as well, leading many addicts to believe they are infested with “meth lice,” causing them to frantically scratch their face, arms, and legs with their fingernails—a behavior known as “picking.” Picking sometimes results in serious self-inflicted wounds and infection.

Treatment for Cross or Co-Occurring Meth and Sex Addiction

Drug and alcohol addictions are critical problems which nearly always have to be eliminated before the issues underlying behavioral and fantasy-based addictions such as sex can be addressed. After all, drugs and alcohol are disinhibiting. They weaken a person’s judgment to the point where that person cannot remain committed to other boundaries he or she may have previously set, such as not having certain kinds of sex.

Unless the individual abusing drugs and/or alcohol gets sober from those substances, it is unlikely that he or she will be able to eliminate problematic sexual behavior for very long. It is also important that treatment specialists help sex-meth addicts understand that sex in the future will not be nearly as intense or exciting as what they’re used to. The sex-meth addict will need adjust his or her expectations regarding the “rewards” of sexual activity, otherwise that person is likely to be disappointed and return to the addictive behaviors, both chemical and sexual, in an attempt to recreate past pleasures.

An exception to the rule of “getting chemically sober first” applies to sex-meth addicts who have so fused drug and sex addiction that they cannot remain chemically sober because of their sexual acting out, and they cannot remain sexually sober because of their substance abuse. For these individuals, relapse with one addiction nearly always leads to quick relapse with the other. In such cases, substance abuse and sexual acting out need to be dealt with at the same time in order to stay sober on either front.

Recognizing this, there are now treatment facilities that specialize in addressing cross and co-occurring disorders simultaneously. Chief among these treatment centers are the gender-separate co-occurring disorders programs at The Ranch, located in Tennessee. Numerous residents at The Ranch present with sex and drug problems that are so intricately intertwined there is no hope of lasting sobriety without addressing both issues at once. Through treatment tailored specifically to the needs of each patient, the chances for long-term recovery are greatly increased.

Thursday, August 6, 2015


***Blogger Note:  I saw this being forwarded on FB.  I have conversed with numerous sexual predators when I was employed in a Corrections environment. I have also read hundreds of sex-crime
interviews/LEO reports. These potential victim traits are very accurate.***

 It seems that alot of attackers use some tactic to get away with violence. Not manypeople know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a
situation. Everyone should read this especially each n every girl in this world.

FYI - Through a rapist's eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in
prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim
and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid
or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to
go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women
who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors
around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through
their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are
off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is
grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman
and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to
worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged
because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going
after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or
other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to
the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince
these guys you're not worth it.


1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or
with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask
them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk:
can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter. Now
that you've seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up,
you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of
you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to
said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would
not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of
it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER
SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can
do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from
behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and
armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this
guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was
trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin
and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching
yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a
particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it
is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and
make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our
instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of
trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers
and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing
down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using
much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of
your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any
odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel
little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really
was trouble.

I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be
some, where you will go "hmm I must remember that" After reading,
forward it to someone you care about, never hurts to be careful in
this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your
body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks
for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from
you.... chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or
purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back
tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like
crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has
saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating,
working, etc., and just sit
(doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS! The
predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for
him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell
you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or
parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be
hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the
passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE

b. If you! u are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the
passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling
them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their

c. Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and
the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest
your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a
guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE
THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are
horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS
RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times;
And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may
get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a
good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies
of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often
asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when
he abducted his next victim.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a
life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going
to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers,
wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the
world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it's better safe than

Male Victims of Abuse Face Stigmas

  • January 12, 2015
  • By

The so-called “stronger sex” reluctant to speak up when battered

While domestic violence is a plight most often faced by women, men are not immune to becoming victims. An estimated 835,000 men are physically assaulted by intimate partners every year, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. [1]
The fact is, the statistics on male victims are hard to collaborate. For instance, the U.S. Department of Justice reports that 85% of domestic abuse victims are women, while on the other hand another study estimated that more than 40 percent of domestic abuse victims are men. [2]

Male victims of domestic violence face similar challenges, regardless of the statistics.

Either way, male survivors often face different stigmas than female survivors do, and these stigmas can prevent them from coming forward to report their abuse. Advocates report that men can be afraid of the stereotype that they should be the “stronger sex” and, as such, should be able to fight back against their abuser. Or, they may be afraid of disclosing their sexuality if the abuse occurred in a same-sex relationship. Men more often face skepticism from police, and there are few domestic violence shelters that admit men.
Carmen Pitre, executive director of the Sojourner Family Peace Center, the largest nonprofit provider of domestic violence support services in Wisconsin, says she’s seen these fears play out with her own male clients. “They may think they’re less of a man, or they’re told, ‘What’s wrong with you? You can’t handle your woman?’ They think they should be macho. It adds a layer of difficulty for men.”
She says society needs to do a better job overall at letting male survivors know they’re not alone. “We believe the fight against violence is a human rights issue—if you’re hurt by anyone, it’s wrong.”
So what should you do if you’re a male victim of abuse? First, don’t be afraid to reach out and break the isolation abuse often brings with it, says Pitre. Talk to a domestic violence advocate—you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). “An advocate can help you navigate the system, but also just have a conversation about control, possessiveness, jealousy, etc.,” says Pitre.
Men can also contact a shelter, even if it’s a women-only shelter. Advocates should be able to refer men to another shelter within their network of resources that will take male survivors. And indeed, 86.9% of the programs that have completed their profiles at say they accept male victims of domestic violence.
Most of all, male survivors need to silence the stereotypes and stigmas running through their heads. Says Pitre, “We serve men as we do all our clients. They deserve dignity, respect and autonomy.”

      Domestic violence against men: Know the signs

      Mayo Clinic

      Domestic violence against men isn't always easy to identify, but it can be a serious threat. Know how to recognize if you're being abused — and how to get help.

      By Mayo Clinic Staff
      Women aren't the only victims of domestic violence. Understand the signs of domestic violence against men, and know how to get help.

      Recognize domestic violence against men

      Domestic violence — also known as intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. It can happen in heterosexual or same-sex relationships.
      It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. Initially, the abuse might appear as isolated incidents. Your partner might apologize and promise not to abuse you again.
      In other relationships, domestic violence against men might include both partners slapping or shoving each other when they get angry — and neither partner seeing himself or herself as being abused or controlled. This type of violence, however, can still devastate a relationship, causing both physical and emotional damage.
      You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:
      • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
      • Prevents you from going to work or school
      • Stops you from seeing family members or friends
      • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
      • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
      • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
      • Threatens you with violence or a weapon
      • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
      • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
      • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
      If you're gay, bisexual or transgender, you might also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:
      • Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
      • Tells you that authorities won't help a gay, bisexual or transgender person
      • Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that gay, bisexual or transgender relationships are deviant
      • Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" gay, bisexual or transgender
      • Says that men are naturally violent

      Children and abuse

      Domestic violence affects children, even if they're just witnesses. If you have children, remember that exposure to domestic violence puts them at risk of developmental problems, psychiatric disorders, problems at school, aggressive behavior and low self-esteem. You might worry that seeking help could further endanger you and your children, or that it might break up your family. Fathers might fear that abusive partners will try to take their children away from them. However, getting help is the best way to protect your children — and yourself.

      Break the cycle

      If you're in an abusive situation, you might recognize this pattern:
      • Your abuser threatens violence.
      • Your abuser strikes you.
      • Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
      • The cycle repeats itself.
      Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.
      Domestic violence can leave you depressed and anxious. You might be more likely to abuse alcohol or drugs or engage in unprotected sex. Because men are traditionally thought to be physically stronger than women, you might be less likely to report domestic violence in your heterosexual relationship due to embarrassment. You might also worry that the significance of the abuse will be minimized because you're a man. Similarly, a man being abused by another man might be reluctant to talk about the problem because of how it reflects on his masculinity or because it exposes his sexual orientation.
      If you seek help, you also might confront a shortage of resources for male victims of domestic violence. Health care providers and other contacts might not think to ask if your injuries were caused by domestic violence, making it harder to open up about abuse. You might fear that if you talk to someone about the abuse, you'll be accused of wrongdoing yourself. Remember, though, if you're being abused, you aren't to blame — and help is available.
      Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, health care provider or other close contact. At first, you might find it hard to talk about the abuse. However, you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

      Create a safety plan

      Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these precautions:
      • Call a domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser isn't around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.
      • Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Leave the bag in a safe place. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
      • Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there.

      Protect your communication and location

      An abuser can use technology to monitor your telephone and online communication and to track your physical location. If you're concerned for your safety, seek help. To maintain your privacy:
      • Use phones cautiously. Your abuser might intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she might use caller ID, check your cellphone or search your phone billing records to see your complete call and texting history.
      • Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser might use spyware to monitor your emails and the websites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, at the library or at a friend's house to seek help.
      • Remove GPS devices from your vehicle. Your abuser might use a GPS device to pinpoint your location.
      • Frequently change your email password. Choose passwords that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.
      • Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser's instructions to clear any record of websites or graphics you've viewed.

      Where to seek help

      In an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:
      • Someone you trust. Turn to a friend, relative, neighbor, co-worker, or religious or spiritual adviser for support.
      • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233). The hotline provides crisis intervention and referrals to resources.
      • Your health care provider. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and can refer you to other local resources.
      • A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for people in abusive relationships are available in most communities.
      • A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.
      Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

      Characteristics of Abusers

      If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:
      • Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
      • Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
      • Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
      • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
      • Controls all the money you spend.
      • Humiliates you in front of others.
      • Destroys your property or things that you care about.
      • Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
      • Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
      • Forces you to have sex against your will.
      • Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

      Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

      • Abuser pacing the floor
      • Clenching/unclenching fists
      • Facial expression (glaring)
      • Shouting/yelling
      Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person.  Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual.  If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

      Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

      • Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
      • Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
      • Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
      • Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
      • Blame others for their own problems.
      • Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
      • Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
      • May have a family history of violence.
      • May be cruel to animals and/or children. 
      • May have a fascination with weapons.
      • May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
      • Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
      • Often use physical force during arguments.
      • Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that". 
      • May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
      • Are very controlling of others.  Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
      • May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
      • May be quick to become involved in relationships.  Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
      • May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need". 
      • May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.  
      • May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
      • Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
      • May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it.  An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

      How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

      Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:
      1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
      2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
      3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
      4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
      5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
      6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
      7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
      8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
      9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages.  There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

      Battered and Abused Men:

      Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse.  The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse.  Nevertheless, it happens - frequently.  In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault.  If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him.  A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.


      1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
      2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
      3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
      4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
      5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.
      Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem.  People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened.  People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility.  These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

      Are you abused?  Does the person you love…

      • "Track" all of your time?
      • Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
      • Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
      • Prevent you from working or attending school?
      • Criticize you for little things?
      • Become angry easily when drinking or abusing drugs?
      • Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
      • Humiliate you in front of others?
      • Destroy your personal property or items with sentimental value?
      • Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
      • Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
      • Threaten to hurt you or hurt the children?
      • Force you to have sex against your will?

      Below is a list of things Jerry can do to help himself:

      • Tell friends he trusts.
      • Make safety arrangements such as:
        • Leaving the relationship;
        • Finding a safe place to go; and
        • Changing his phone number and/or locks.
      • Telephone a domestic violence hotline or shelter and:
        • Talk to a worker;
        • Find out about his legal rights; or
        • See a counsellor - separately or with Lisa. 
      • Gain the support of witnesses, when possible.
      • Take notes detailing dates, times and what occurred.
      • Phone 911 when Lisa becomes physically abusive.

      Abuse Checklists:

      Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

      You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

      • Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
      • Feel you can't live without him/her.
      • Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
      • Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
      • Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
      • Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
      • Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
      • Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
      • Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
      • Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
      • Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
      • Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
      • Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
      • Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.